I have never really cried much about Isa, I mean, about her diagnosis. I remember crying one time at the hospital when she was about to be sedated, one time on the phone while I was talking to my sister Karen and one or maybe two times with Nicklas, I remember one for sure, sitting in the sofa, crying, saying that I didn’t want to have more kids because they were just too painful and the other time I think was while we were driving away from the hospital (although I’m not very sure about this one). But if I really think about it, I have never really sit and cry and cry and feel better afterwards, like that feeling you get after crying so much, after being tired of crying and you find this relief and you can take a deep breath and smile and you can feel how your chest just feels a little bit lighter. As we grow older, everybody around us tell us not to cry, tell us to be brave, to just wipe our tears and keep going and we teach ourselves to do that, to let the emotion on the side and put on a brave face and just keep going.
I was walking today on my way to take the bus to come to the studio and I had a mum and her daughter walking in front of me, the girl must have been around 5 years old. They where walking in the rain and suddenly the little girl fell and started crying out loud, her mother went down to help her stand up again, after checking that she was OK, she looked at her and told her: “cry as much as you need to, until you feel good again” and so they continued walking and the little girl continued crying, after a minute her crying started going down, a minute after she was fine. I passed them as they stood on their bus stop and I continued walking to mine, I couldn’t help myself to turn around to look at her, she was smiling, as if nothing had happened. She fell, she felt pain, she cried until she felt better and there she was, smiling again.
Why can’t we do that, why can’t we just start crying when we feel like, when we fall, when something hurts, when something breaks our heart. We teach ourselves to be strong, but maybe, we would be happier and healthier letting the tears come down our faces, letting our selves just go with the moment, we wouldn’t hold so many old and new feelings and emotions inside us, always there, we would just feel so much more freely, even, even just for a moment. I think I’m gonna allow myself to cry just a little bit more often and maybe just like that little girl, when I finish crying, I will find myself smiling again.